Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Awkward Person's Survival Guide to Awkward Situations: Part 2

My shoe made a fart sound at work last week so I was reminded of my first installment of the Awkward Person’s Survival Guide. Upon re-examination, I realized there were a lot more awkward situations I’ve been involved with since publishing the first that I should probably publish a Part 2 in case any of my readers were having awkward encounters with no clue how to deal with them. Read on to discover how all of your so-called awkward situations can be resolved!

Coining an inadvertent portmanteau
The situation: You’re talking to someone whom you need to impress—your boss, your stalkee, your neighbor’s shih tzu—and you start stumbling over your words. It takes too much mental capacity psyching yourself up to complete a full, grammatical sentence that you don’t have any brain power left to utter real words. Your boss says “fix this thing you completely effed up and have it on my desk in 20 minutes” and you reply with “Arkay. I mean Oright. I mean…”

Aaron Samuels—making mean girls say “grool” since 2004.

The solution:
Say “see what I did there? I mashed ‘okay’ and ‘alright’ together! And I’m chock full of these clever witticisms should you ever need me!” It’s always good to make an awkward situation seem intentional so people don’t know how awkward you indeed really are. Plus, this way you end up looking clever, unlike the complete unitard you are for not being able to talk right, ya gork. I mean deek.

Falling prey to the cell phone delay
The situation: When you’re talking on a cell phone, you have to expect a certain amount of silence in between conversational turns due to the mysterious cell phone delay (which probably only exists so the cell phone providers can use up all of our anytime minutes!) But the detriments to my life are not limited to my overage charges; the cell phone delay also makes for some awkward situations, such as when your friend tells you her dog died and you don’t hear it until you’re done announcing your extreme need for a Whopper Jr. She thinks your burger lust is in lieu of condolences; you think she’s trying to one-up your horrible cravings with her own sob story.

…and tearing them apart.

The solution:
Tell her you’re very sorry about her loss, and that your can totes relate because you truly miss your childhood pal, Whopper Jr. the pit bull. What a great companion ol’ Woppy was, you should say, and how much you wouldn’t give to have him again, with his cute little snout and his razor sharp teeth. And yes, you’d like fries with that.

Getting stuck behind a slow mover

The situation: You’re walking down the hall, the sidewalk, the aisle at the furry convention—wherever. The person in front of you is taking his time, checking his cell phone, gazing at his own reflection in every window he passes, stopping at every booth to grab a free plushy. You try to pass him on the left, but he suddenly darts left (slowly, but suddenly). Then you try to dart right but his furry senses are strong and he slides on over. You decide to go for broke and squeeze past him, but he steps over just as you’re passing and now you’re pinned between his heaving body and the cold, hard wall. He apologizes and you scurry away.

I keep telling people that motorcyclists are entitled to a full lane. This guy leaves you no choice.

The solution: Next time you’re trying to pass a phlegmatic pedestrian just announce your intentions right off the bat. Yell “WIDE LOAD COMING THROUGH,” and you can bet he’ll get out of the way, or at least turn around to see just how wide the load really is. Or you could take it up a notch and actually McGyver some sort of widening apparatus to wear such that you will actually be wide enough to take out any meandering moron who dares walk in front of you.

Typing in the wrong instant message box

The situation: You’re simultaneously chatting with, say, your grandma and your one night stand from last weekend. You accidentally send “That lip-bleaching stuff you suggested worked really great, thanks!” to the one-night stand and “I’m wearing those sexxxy Spanx you like” to your grandma. Both reply with “WTF?”

Too sexy, too sexy!

The solution:
You can send the same recovery message to both: “Sorry my hamster just escaped from her cage and ran across the keyboard!” I guarantee they’ll buy it. This actually happened to me once, except it was my full-grown Labrador instead of a hamster, and those exact sentences appeared. So I know this excuse is legit.

Stopping at a red light next to a douchelord
The situation: You commit a moving violation and some douchelord blows out his horn while trying to tell you what he thinks of you, and then he lets his middle finger pick up where the ineffectual horn left off. Or maybe you’re the douchelord and you’ve just given someone the finger, or worse—you accidentally made eye contact with another driver while yelling the lyrics to Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful.” Now you’ve pulled up next to the guy at a red light. And there’s a train passing in front of you. A freight train.

“I am beautiful. No matter what you say!”

The solution:
Keep eye contact with the douche and keep doing whatever it was you were doing before—belting out the song, flipping the bird, committing a moving violation, or whatever. It’s like playing chicken with your eyes; pretty soon he’ll have to look away and he’ll be the only one who feels awkward.

What other awkward encounters have you had?

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Saturday, July 3, 2010

5 Annoying Things Everyone Does During the Fireworks

1. Oohing and Aahing ironically
I get it—it’s fun to laugh at the idiots who are actually in awe of the fireworks year after year. But it’s hard to actually hear the idiots oohing and ahhing when there are so many people doing so ironically. It’s gotten to the point where the only oohing and ahhing going on is from these would-be comedians, so there’s no one left to make fun of.

2. Describing what each type of firework looks like
Yes, they look like sperm when they’re being launched, and yes, they look like spiders after they’ve exploded. Say it once and move on. Plus, it’s not like they’ve made any major pyrotechnic advances recently, so there can’t possibly be new fireworks that you haven’t seen before.

3. Picking a favorite type of firework
No one cares which one you like best. And if you insist on telling us, you only need to tell us you like the “swirly ones with the colors and the loud bang” once, not each time they shoot one of those off.

4. Saying “Okay folks, that’s the show!” every time there’s a lull
Sometimes the fireworks don’t come one after the other; sometimes one of the fireworks launchers gets distracted by a hot chick wearing an LRWBD (little red, white, and blue dress) and the audience has to suffer a brief pause without anything to ironically ooh and ahh over. That doesn’t mean you have the right to add to our suffering by making terrible jokes about how the show was really short this year.

5. PDA-ing on the lawn
Something about chemicals reacting and exploding in a tube, cascading ashes and miscellaneous debris on everyone, makes you really think about what’s important in life, ie. rolling around in the grass with your ball-and-chain, getting grass stains on your LRWBD.

Are you guilty of these offenses?