Monday, June 28, 2010

Lyric Interp: Timbaland Ft. Justin Timberlake

At first glance, an extended metaphor wherein sex is compared with a fast-food eating extravaganza doesn’t sound like it would work. At all.

But then you think of the various possibilities this particular analogy allows, for instance, “I just can’t get enough I got to drive through.” This line is perfect; in fact, I have previously found myself uttering this very string of words, both before steering my car down that magical window-lined path AND when faced with a fine male specimen. So the metaphor works.

A beacon on the horizon of an otherwise cold, cruel universe.

And the metaphor keeps on working: “Have it your way, foreplay/Before I feed your appetite.” Yes, you can have it your way, whether the menu contains a Whopper Jr. or a li’l gropey action. And the bit about the appetite? It gives me a bit of an appetite for a little JT with a side of fries.

Aphrodisiac to the stars.

“Do you like it well done, cause I do it well.” By far, the best line in the song. Although this little ditty sounds like it was penned by friggin idiots at an idiodyssey convention, it’s lines like this that prove otherwise. (FYI, I do like it well done, because E. coli is a very real concern.)

This is his “Yeah, dat’s right” pose.

So by this point you’re probably convinced that, hey, maybe this extended metaphor isn’t so bad. Maybe JT actually knows what he’s talking about. I mean, he is single-handedly responsible for both deflowering Ms. Spears AND spawning the “I’m Lovin’ It” phenomenon.

Ba da ba ba ba...

But wait, you missed the line where he compared his spread-eagled lady friend to a cheap pancake joint: “I’ll have you open all night like an IHOP.” Well, we should count our blessings—at least he didn’t say Waffle House.

I know at least one singer who’d prefer this place.

Shortly thereafter, he drops this bomb: “I can tell the way you like it, baby, supersized.” This line means one of two things: 1) you look like a cheap ho (the kind who goes to IHOP) or 2) you look like Michelle Duggar and thus require something supersized to even register that you're being inseminated yet again. Either way, not a compliment. Strike two, Timbaland ft. JT.

Truest statement ever.

Strike three comes from a purely linguistic standpoint: “Baby get my order right, no errors/Imma touch you in all the right areas.” I’m sorry, but it is NOT okay to rhyme “error” with “area.” He could have chosen any number of words to rhyme with “area,” for instance, “Bavaria, “Bulgaria,” or “anxiety hysteria.” But whatever. No one ever listens to me when I give great advice.

So what do you think—does this metaphor work or not?

Read my other lyric interps!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Where am I Going, Where Have I Been?

You may have noticed my posting has been light for a while. I’ve had quite a few life changes in the past few months that have left me too tired, busy, excited, and/or emotionally spent to blog. So what have I been up to?

First I finished up with finals and ended my campus jobs.

True, except my “things I studied” circle was even smaller.

Then we had senior week, which means drink, rinse, repeat. And a little “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It).”

That’s just chocolate milk…

Next was graduation, the saddest day of my life, the day I’d been dreading for months, the day I entered “the real world.” (I seem to have forgotten what John Mayer taught me about the real world back in 02.)

I had to do it!

Then I moved away from my lovely apartment and my fave roommate ever, and into my childhood bedroom, complete with blanky and weird bear painting.

Why do I allow this “d├ęcor?”

After I got settled in and accepted my fate as a parents’-basement-dweller, I bought my very first car!

Isn't she a beaut?

But that purchase depleted, oh, about 90% of my life savings. So the next item on my agenda was to get a job. Enter One Day One Job. If you’re a recent college grad or current college student trying to find an entry-level job or internship, I highly recommend this blog! Why?

Because…I got a job! Working for these people. And it’s friggin’ sweet, and I couldn’t be happier. (By the way, you should check them out if you’re into crafts, which I know a lot of you are!)

So that’s where I’ve been. Where have you been?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

7 Types of Terrible Movie Titles

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I saw “Get Him to the Greek” this weekend, and I felt like a complete idiot when I bought the ticket. “I’ll have one ticket for ‘Get Him to the Greek’ please,” I said. It just sounded stupid. In what other context would a sentence like that exist, besides someone buying a ticket to see an unfortunately-titled movie? That got me thinking about other movies whose titles set them up for failure. You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you can definitely judge a movie by its title. There are seven categories of horrible movie titles that I have determined:

1. Titles that include a character’s name. Movies included in the category are the critically acclaimed “John Tucker Must Die,” “I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry,” and the rhyming wonder, “You, Me, and Dupree.” My main beef with these titles is that the character names are completely made up and therefore 1) can be changed to accommodate asinine rhyme schemes, and 2) mean nothing to the audience (who the hell is John Tucker anyway? Why should I agree that he must die if I’ve never even heard of him?).
2. Titles that are hard to pronounce. This is just poor marketing. No one is going to see your potential blockbuster if moviegoers literally cannot ask for a ticket. This category is clearly the sole reason that “Gigli” fared so poorly. And what about “xXx?” How does one say that title? Did you know there was a movie called “Phffft” and another called “Sssssss”? “Hey I’m gonna go see ‘Phffft’ this weekend, wanna come with?” Is that the name of the movie or do you just have dog hair in your mouth?

3. Titles that are hard to say within a sentence. This is an offshoot of the previous category. The difference is that these titles usually have awkward punctuation, rather than phonetic/spelling disparities. Movies such as “But I’m a Cheerleader” and “Slap her…She’s French” fall into this category because it just ruins the whole flow of your monologue to put an unnatural ellipsis in your sentence. The worst offender is “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.” This title encompasses an entire snail mail correspondence, complete with greeting and sign-off.
4. Titles that just state the movie’s premise. These titles are developed by the least creative people in Hollywood, people who are so tired and weary from making their edge-of-your-seat, tissue-in-hand, slice-of-life cinematic masterpieces that they couldn’t come up with a clever title. “Snakes on a Plane,” I’m looking at you. Or what about “Mom’s Got a Date with a Vampire?” Most of that movie is an is-he-or-isn’t-he-a-vampire mystery, but the title clearly states that, not only is he a vampire, but he’s also got a date with mom. The same problem exists with “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.” I’ve never actually seen this movie and I don’t know anything about, except that Jesse James is assassinated by a coward named Robert Ford. Thanks to this title, I don’t even need to read the imdb synopsis. “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is not only a horrific movie of MST3K proportions, but its title gives away the ending.
5. Titles that are spoken sentences. These titles are actually sentences that are said by a character during the film. They could easily fit into category 3 or 4, because they are usually prosodically cumbersome to say and give away too much information. I’m thinking of “Dude, Where’s my Car?” and “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids,” in specific. Also “You Got Served” deserves special recognition because it is both a spoken sentence and the inspiration behind a nation-sweeping, asinine catch phrase.
6. Titles that are dirty. Whether they mean to be filthy or the studio execs were just a bunch of cumquats, “Dick,” “Octopussy,” and “Snatch” are just plain embarrassing to say. “Freddy Got Fingered” is an intentionally dirty title with an intentionally dirty and stupid plot. Bonus points for being a full sentence, featuring a stupid character’s name, and giving away the premise of the movie.
7. Titles of sequels that are “clever.” I use the word clever loosely; clearly whoever came up with “Beethoven’s 2nd” and “2 Fast 2 Furious” thought they were being clever, but really they were just stupid. “Lion King 1 ½” doesn’t even make sense, nor does “Why Did I Get Married Too” or any other sequel that uses “too” instead of “two.”

What other terrible movie titles have you heard?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Handmade Anniversary Party

The ol’ bf decided to throw his parents a surprise party for their 25th anniversary. I knew I had to be part of the festivities because I love throwing parties even more than I love eating and sleeping. First up, the invitations.

I made the cut out shape using my beloved Cricut and the Storybook cartridge. The green damask paper was from Michael’s, and I glued it to gray card stock and rounded the corners.

Then we sent them off in silver envelopes because it was their silver anniversary.

The design on the front and the info on the back (which I cannot show for privacy reasons, sorry!) were done by the famous Greg Shutters, who also designed my blog header.

Next I volunteered myself to make all the decorations. I set about getting inspiration from the always helpful internet and decided to make tissue paper poms, pennant banners, and paper flowers.

I used this tutorial for the flowers, which is SUPER easy. The hardest part was taping the roses to the branches. That floral tape is a pain in my…um, foot.

Pardon my stupid face

For the tissue paper poms, I used Martha Stewart’s tutorial and silver tissue paper. I made big ones and small ones and hung them by fishing line around their house and yard.

I didn’t use a tutorial for the banner, because they were pretty straightforward. I just cut triangles from the extra invitation paper. Then I used my crop-a-dile and some metallic eyelets to make the holes and strung them along some gift wrapping ribbon. Then I attached them to the wooden fence with thumb tacks.

There were lots of yummy desserts (none that I can take credit for).

And the party was a success!

*Most of the photos were taken by Chris

Do you like throwing parties too?