Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Karaoke Don'ts

During Senior Week, some friends and I went out to the infamous Safe House for karaoke. It’s been my lifelong dream to sing karaoke without the aid of liquid courage, and this goal was realized at the Safe House. Yep, I completely humiliated and embarrassed myself without even alcohol to blame. There were a lot of other train wrecks there (in addition to me), and some of them weren’t even people I came with. Perhaps if they had read this post first they wouldn’t have made such tone-deaf asses of themselves.

Karaoke Don'ts:

Don’t: try to show off your amazing voice. I know what you’re thinking—you came to karaoke to showcase your talent to an enraptured audience, ready to pounce on you with record deals as soon as you hit that last high note. How can your talent ever be publicized if the whole bar is singing—I mean howling—along with you? Well that’s your real problem: Karaoke is not about showing off; it’s about drunk people doing what they do best—butchering songs. If you want to whip out your Whitney Houston impersonation (c. 1993, not 2010), stick to the shower when no one else has to listen to you.

Don’t: sing a Frank Sinatra song if everyone else in the bar is a 45+-year-old woman. Especially don’t do this if you have an amazing voice.

Matt’s rendition of “Luck Be a Lady” was the stuff of dreams…cougar dreams.

Don’t: sing anything by Whitney Houston. Or for that matter, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, or anyone else who has ever been referred to as a “diva.” Especially if you’re a man and/or fat. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you would cringe hearing the song played at a bar, don’t sing it at karaoke, because karaoke is done AT A BAR. Since when was “My Heart Will Go On” an acceptable song in da club?

Don’t: accompany your rap-sody (see what I did there?) with a ghetto booty dance. Once you see how low you can go, I guarantee you won’t be getting back up, depending on how much you’ve had to drink. And don’t you think singing karaoke is enough humiliation for one night? There are digital cameras these days, people! And facebook!

If you’re gonna do an asinine dance, at least do it to “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It).”

Don’t: sing “Don’t Stop Believing.” If I have to hear another drunken group of idiots yelling the lyrics to that song without even attempting to follow any sort of melody, I will kill someone. Even if I’m the one singing it.

Don’t: change the lyrics of the song to make it more appropriate for your life. For instance, do not change “Hey There Delilah’s” lyric “Oh, it’s what you do to me” to “Oh, it’s what you do to Steve,” even if your name is Steve.

It looks like we’re gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes, but in fact we are making fun of the tool who decided to make The Plain White T’s his own.

Don’t: try to avoid Ke$ha just because you once wrote a blog post about how dumb her song lyrics are, especially if you secretly do a mean Ke$ha impression and you memorized all the lyrics to “Tik Tok” even before writing said blog post.

There’s my yellow wristlet, in action again!

What's your go-to karaoke song?


  1. me and my uni friends go to karaoke ALOT! and we often sing 'horses'.... "thats the way its gonna be lil darlin, we'l go ridin on the horses yeah yeah!"
    fun fun

  2. I love karaoke, but I have to be totally smashed in order to get up there. Good for you doing it sober - I will never be able to do that.

    I sang for the first time alone a few weeks ago - my husband wasn't there, I was out with his cousin and his cousin said I totally rocked. The hubs does not believe it.

    My favorite song of all time is John Denver's Take Me Home, Country Roads. That's what I sing. And I cheese it way up. Some day soon I'll do a post about our karaoke hot spot, and the hilarity that ensues. ;)

  3. haha You've got some good points there.. especially about NOT SINGING JOURNEY. I would like to make a move for an exception on your Whitney Houston Rule. I think old Whitney and Celine MIGHT be acceptable if it is "performed" by a hot gay man who isn't taking himself too seriously. Or at least my best guy friend does an excellent performance.

  4. hahaha We do a lot of Bohemian Rhapsody and jump around on stage... let's see... other go to songs include I've Got Friends in Low Places and I've done Sweet Caroline before!

  5. Beautiful. We basically broke all those rules, but everyone at that bar was in awe of us.

  6. I loved how we broke all of those karaoke rules! Every time I have a family reunion, Celine Dion is a requisite, but that's how we roll. Also, don't sing "My Way" in the Philippines unless you're suicidal because they will kill you.

    Thanks for crediting usage of my pics...

    XOXO, The REAL Carissa ;)

  7. I am mad you didn't take advantage of titling this blog post "KARI-oke". If LBoz and I thought it was gold you know it truly must have been.

  8. bahaha! so glad you mustered up the courage!

  9. I've always go for Madonna's "Like a Virgin" hahahaha! Karaoke is great fun especially when drunk (lol)

  10. I don't have one...but I'll embarrass my hubs with his...Mmmmmmmbop...a la Hanson. No joke!

  11. KARAOKE?! never! no never! not sure if you know that song by heart? NEEEEEEEEVER! NEVVVVVVVVER! NEVER RUN AWAY!

  12. about my paintins....I am currently keeping all of my paintings for my senior exhibition that will be in the fall!
    I can't wait to see them all hanging together in one room!
    but I do commissions if youre ever interested in buying one!!

  13. My best karaoke song I ever sang was somewhere in NYC. I did Carrie Underwood's "So Small" with non-country music fans, but they were impressed that I knew every last word to a song they never heard before :)

  14. PS. Ever since your Cosmo post, I save myself the $4 every month...It really is redundant :)

  15. Hehee! This is too funny! Glad you finally got your karaoke moment :p

    We used to have karaoke at the bar where I work... We ended up trading it in for Trivia night when the only person who would sing karaoke was the person who ran the equipment :p

  16. I love this post!! So funny! :)

  17. I too often get the urge to sing songs at karaoke originally by female vocalists. I often hold back, but I do know I could make a good living as a drag queen if I really, really wanted to.

  18. I really enjoyed reading your blog post on Karaoke Music with all your don'ts! It's so true too! Some songs are murdered, but it's all in good fun and all for an amusing night. It's great to be at these karaoke events even if you aren't brave enough to get up their and sing one yourself!

  19. haha that's great. i'm not a fan of karaoke myself, mainly because i am a singer and find it a weird dynamic. basically, when i perform, i'm usually seriously singing...and i can't be serious with karaoke...and i have issues with singing to recorded music, i guess? i dunno. i have been known to sing karaoke with "song for the dumped" by ben folds five with my buddy, though!

    my bf's sister seriously sings karaoke. mainly mariah carey. and once she gets the mic, she won't let go! a lot of your "don'ts" remind me of her! ;)


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