During Senior Week, some friends and I went out to the infamous Safe House for karaoke. It’s been my lifelong dream to sing karaoke without the aid of liquid courage, and this goal was realized at the Safe House. Yep, I completely humiliated and embarrassed myself without even alcohol to blame. There were a lot of other train wrecks there (in addition to me), and some of them weren’t even people I came with. Perhaps if they had read this post first they wouldn’t have made such tone-deaf asses of themselves.
Don’t: try to show off your amazing voice. I know what you’re thinking—you came to karaoke to showcase your talent to an enraptured audience, ready to pounce on you with record deals as soon as you hit that last high note. How can your talent ever be publicized if the whole bar is singing—I mean howling—along with you? Well that’s your real problem: Karaoke is not about showing off; it’s about drunk people doing what they do best—butchering songs. If you want to whip out your Whitney Houston impersonation (c. 1993, not 2010), stick to the shower when no one else has to listen to you.
Don’t: sing a Frank Sinatra song if everyone else in the bar is a 45+-year-old woman. Especially don’t do this if you have an amazing voice.
Matt’s rendition of “Luck Be a Lady” was the stuff of dreams…cougar dreams.
Don’t: sing anything by Whitney Houston. Or for that matter, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, or anyone else who has ever been referred to as a “diva.” Especially if you’re a man and/or fat. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you would cringe hearing the song played at a bar, don’t sing it at karaoke, because karaoke is done AT A BAR. Since when was “My Heart Will Go On” an acceptable song in da club?
Don’t: accompany your rap-sody (see what I did there?) with a ghetto booty dance. Once you see how low you can go, I guarantee you won’t be getting back up, depending on how much you’ve had to drink. And don’t you think singing karaoke is enough humiliation for one night? There are digital cameras these days, people! And facebook!
If you’re gonna do an asinine dance, at least do it to “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It).”
Don’t: sing “Don’t Stop Believing.” If I have to hear another drunken group of idiots yelling the lyrics to that song without even attempting to follow any sort of melody, I will kill someone. Even if I’m the one singing it.
Don’t: change the lyrics of the song to make it more appropriate for your life. For instance, do not change “Hey There Delilah’s” lyric “Oh, it’s what you do to me” to “Oh, it’s what you do to Steve,” even if your name is Steve.
It looks like we’re gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes, but in fact we are making fun of the tool who decided to make The Plain White T’s his own.
Don’t: try to avoid Ke$ha just because you once wrote a blog post about how dumb her song lyrics are, especially if you secretly do a mean Ke$ha impression and you memorized all the lyrics to “Tik Tok” even before writing said blog post.
There’s my yellow wristlet, in action again!
What's your go-to karaoke song?