10. “I’ve decided not to cancel class next Monday after all.”
The only thing worse than having class on a Monday is thinking you don’t have class and then realizing you do.
9. “I need you all to purchase [insert incredibly dull book title here] by [insert “famous” scholar here] even though it wasn’t on the original book list. I think you guys will really enjoy it.”
If you wanted me to buy a book, you should have told me when I still had access to my dad’s credit card! And no, I won’t enjoy it.
8. “We were going to watch a movie, but now I don’t think we have time. I want you to check it out from the library instead and turn in a response paper.”
The ONLY time watching a movie about ancient philosophy/theology/assininity is exciting is when it’s taking up precious class time. Couch potato time is for serious exploits like
A much better use of one’s time.
7. “I’m going to be out of town next week, but luckily our fabulous TA has volunteered to sub.”
If you don’t have to be here, why do I? P.S. Can the TA sub for you every day? He’s a better teacher.
6. “I just had this really zany idea for an assignment.”
No. Just no. If it involves dressing up like Queen Gorgo and doing a song and dance number in front of the class, I’m calling in sick for the rest of the semester.
That outfit is NSFSchool.
5. “Six to eight pages? No I think I said eight to ten.”
If it says 6-8 pages on the syllabus, you can bet I’m gonna turn in a 6 pager. Altering the
syllabus mid semester is even worse than altering the book list.
4. “Okay, put your notes away. You have 50 minutes.”
Tests suck. Especially sans notes.
Easiest test ever. I knew I should have been a math major.
3. “Here are the assignments for your group projects.”
Group projects suck even more (that’s why it’s lower on the list, people). Finagling schedules with underage drunkies who “might not be sober” when you want to meet, sorostitutes who have wet t-shirt contests to attend, and “busy” people who just don’t have time for yet another group project is absolute misery. I’ll just do the project myself, guys. Sign your names on the line when I’m done.
2. “…What do you think?”
I’m sure I’d think something if I’d heard the first part of your sentence. Unfortunately, I was too busy doodling pictures of what I’m going to eat for dinner to listen to you drone on about Chaucer.
1. “Okay, class, let’s begin.”
How long is your class from start to finish? That’s how long you now have until you’re free. And the countdown begins.