Saturday, April 24, 2010

Contradictions: Cosmo

Two years ago, Cosmopolitan ran an article that taught me how to get even closer to my man.


I swear I’ve read this article before…several times.


I decided to read it because, hey, I could always use a few tips, right? And Cosmo’s never let me down before. Well, actually…Anyway, the list was chock full of stupid ideas that ranged from asinine to stalkerish. For instance, Tip #3:

“While waiting in line for a unisex bathroom, pull him into the loo with you. You don’t even have to jump him, but even a quick make-out session is electrifying.”

First off, where are all these unisex bathrooms you speak of? Secondly, if you’re waiting in line I assume this means there are people waiting behind you who would be pretty peeved that they had to hold their whiz while you two have sexy time. I’m pretty sure if I tried this, my bf would be like “what’s going on? I have to pee.” And stop calling it a “make-out session!” It’s not like I’m billing him in 15 minute increments.


Tip # 8 is just as asinine:

“Pick a regular time, like lunch hour, and send a what-I’m-doing-right-now e-mail or text. The simple routine will give him a treat to look forward to.”

This is what my text would say every single day: “Right now I am eating lunch, because it is my lunch hour.” Seems like a waste of a texting plan to me.


And then there are the truly scary ideas: Tip #11 says

“Ask his mom for a shot of him as a boy doing something great, like his game-winning Little League pitch. Frame it, and put it in your place where he’ll see it.”


Is it just me, or did Kate Hudson do this in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?

And my favorite tip of all, Tip #35:

“Skip the contrived chocolate-body-paint routine in bed. Instead, nosh on warm blondies with hot-fudge sauce after you’ve done the deed (but while you’re still nekkid).”


I was unaware that chocolate body paint even existed, let alone that it is contrived. Also, can “nekkid” go the way of “make-out session?”


But I digress. The reason I am returning to this 2-year-old article is because of Tip #21:


It doesn’t seem so bad—maybe a little on the psycho girlfriend side, but it’s manageable. But check THIS out:



This little iota of wisdom was taken from an article titled “Tales of Over-the-Top Romance” from the March 2010 issue. Perhaps they should have just reprinted the entire February 2008 article under this new title.


Conclusion: Cosmo is stupid, or else they just assume their audience is stupid. Which may be quite true.


Do any of you read Cosmo? What's the dumbest thing they've ever convinced you to do?

23 comments:

  1. It is stupid, but I still like reading it's fluff for whatever's that worth! I had a friend in college who did an internship there and she said they picked the best products based on not how good they really were, but how well they photographed! :O

    Great post! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Remember the used thong scrunchie?

    http://jezebel.com/5364263//gallery/gallery/5

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm glad I revisited this post because I forgot about the scrunchie thing! Maybe enough is enough!!! haha

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bwahahahahaha..... You crack me up gal.

    Lol.

    You thunk i'll ever go back to Cosmo again. NADA. NEVER.

    ReplyDelete
  6. They (the writer) might not be livin on earth haha, or perhaps recycled it from another column!

    ReplyDelete
  7. cosmopolitan is RETARDED. i think their stupid articles are geared toward 14 year old virgins.

    ReplyDelete
  8. haha this is hilarious mann! i rarely read cosmo though


    join my giveaway :) 1205 giveaway
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  9. Cosmo is sad, sad, sad if you read it and take it at face value. I read my roommate's once in a while for a good chuckle and the fashion editorials tend to be cute, but the articles? OH DEAR. They're aimed at insecure, unhappy in their relationship kind of girls...

    ReplyDelete
  10. I had to stop purchasing Cosmo for that reason, although I'll leaf through it if I see it at a friend's. Their sex articles almost make me feel sort of prudish.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh sweetie, this post just aged me! I haven't read Cosmo since my early 20's (over a decade ago...OMG am I that old?!) I think I stopped reading it because of the stupid articles like the one you're describing. I'm sorry, but my husband would suspect me of losing my mind if I ever tried these things. But maybe it's just because we're old farts.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Cosmo is a wee bit ridiculous. It claims to be a women's magazine, yet the articles are always--well, I just went to their website, and we have Sex Tips from Men, How to Impress Him, and What He Tells His Friends About You. It always seems to be more about men than women...

    ReplyDelete
  13. I truly felt old when I stopped reading Cosmo in favor of Real Simple. Ah ha ha

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks for your support with my post earlier, I've been having a really bad day haha. Well as for cosmo, me and my roomate used to take turns buying it once a month. It is full of weird ideas. Quite entertaining, though. My gut instinct is to, well, follow my gut instinct, and sometimes I feel like Cosmo runs out of sex stuff to talk about.It's overrated! Just do your thang!

    ReplyDelete
  15. i don't read it and i'm thinking i shouldn't start now! ha!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I stopped reading cosmo when it became less about how to make me happy and all about how to make him happy. Fuck that.

    um also?
    “Pick a regular time, like lunch hour, and send a what-I’m-doing-right-now e-mail or text. The simple routine will give him a treat to look forward to.”

    I am telling you ladies right now, our guys hear us talk about EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE EVERYDAY and most of what we talk about isn't interesting to anyone but us. I promise he won't sit at his computer looking forward to us writing about the mundane details we will tell him later anyway. They hate that shit. He'll more likely look forward to deleting it without reading it everyday.

    Good call lady.

    ReplyDelete
  17. do you ever read the blog rabbitwrite? she writes about cosmo a lot too. The dumbest thing I ever read in cosmo and maybe EVER was that a great way to impress your man and his friends, I swear to god, was to like have them all over for a sports game or something, hanging out with your dude, right, and then you should come out and offer snacks wearing only a jersey that barely covers your butt and make sure to bend over a lot. I'm like "what man wants his friends to think his girlfriend is showing off her body for them?" I mean, really?

    ReplyDelete
  18. hahaha what you wrote there is so so so true! sometimes magazines talk and spread useless and idiotic stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  19. omg hahhahahhah!!! cosmo can be so ridiculous lol

    ReplyDelete
  20. I once went to a unisex bathroom in Italy. The toilet was in a tiny stall kinda something you squatted over. There wasn't even room for one person in one of those! Gross!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi all! Christie, the Senior Web Editor for Cosmopolitan.com, here. For those of you who aren't fans of some of the magazine articles, perhaps check out the website. There is a lot of the same content from the mag, but there's web-exclusive stuff too. More importantly, you can easily search for topics that you actually DO want to read about. (Cool new jobs, how to eat healthy, beauty tips, sexual health questions/answers, etc.) Cheers!
    http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

    ReplyDelete
  22. First of all, WHAHAHA !!! You got cosmo to comment on your ad! And while Christie, I am not a regular visit to the website, so I can't comment.. I will say that there is quite a bit of ridiculousness in this particular ad. I meannnn...if I went over to some dude's house and he had a pic of me as a kid that I DIDN"T EVEN GIVE HIM!? Um hellz no creepymccreeperson!

    You have lots of Carissa readers!!! WOOHOOO!

    ReplyDelete
  23. omg. this is hilarious. love it! you are too funny, girl.

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.