If you look cool, you feel cool. Exhibits A and B
As I already mentioned, you better not be wearing boot cut jeans. If you absolutely insist on still wearing pants, might I suggest jeggings or some sort of neon or animal-print leggings? This way your camel toe will not be hidden from the world, because lets be honest—a person without a camel toe is just about the opposite of cool.
If you're still in college, this can count toward your bucket list as well.
Get rid of yours. It’s as simple as that. Don’t watch TV at home, don’t watch it at your friends’ houses (you shouldn’t even be friends with people who own TVs. Shame on you!), and don’t you DARE watch it on the internet (I’m on to you…). Take every opportunity you can to tell people about how you don’t own a TV. Tell them how you thought you’d miss it, but surprisingly your life is just sooo much better without one. When uncool people start talking about what went down on Dancing with the Stars last night, give a condescending smile and say “I’ve never watched that show. I don’t even own a TV, actually.”
Shun the facebook users! Shun! Shunnnnn!
You can keep your account (collective sigh of relief time). But don’t go on it. Ever. Or go on it occasionally to check your own profile, but make sure to stay signed out of facebook chat so no one ever catches you in the act of signing on. Continuing on this vein, never log on in a public place. And for God’s sake, never leave a comment on someone’s wall, "like" someone’s picture, or update your status. And do I really have to tell you never to poke someone? Also don’t ever respond to any event invitations you get, unless it’s to say “maybe attending.” You don’t want people to get the idea that you care about their pathetic lives. If people ever mention facebook to you, ie “hey did you see that video I posted on your wall?” just tell them you haven’t been on in a while (even if you actually watched the vid repeatedly last night while trying to hold in your raucous laughter so that your roommate wouldn’t know that you occasionally laugh).
Displays of Emotion:
Keanu's so cool that he doesn't have to try. His natural expressionlessness is what makes him such a virtuoso actor.
I already alluded to this one—don’t laugh. Don’t smile, don’t chuckle, chortle, grin, giggle, or do any combination of the above. Also don’t frown or appear sad. Just sit expressionless when you’re having conversations (all of which should be serious and profound anyway) and make sure you never make light of any situation. Nothing is funny about life, people. Everything, and I mean everything, is sacred.
Has it ever been played on the radio? Has the artist or band ever been mentioned in a magazine or on TV (not that you would know since you DON’T OWN ONE)? Have any of your friends or acquaintances ever heard of this artist/band? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions DO NOT listen to this music. You must like only music for which you are the sole fan. You must discover bands. You must go to their shows at the local Knights of Columbus. You must follow them on Myspace. You must cruelly abandon them when they sign their first record deal. And in case it comes up in conversation, don’t forget that the only thing you know about Britney Spears is that she shaved her head once.
Has it ever made contact with an animal? Don’t eat it. Does your beer cost more than $1/can? Don’t drink it. If it isn’t fair trade, yell at the person who is selling it and then get the eff outta there. Coffee should be drank black (cream and sugar are for supreme pansies), and red velvet cupcakes are now your dessert of choice. Preferably mini cupcakes. They’re cuter.
Grow a mustache too.
Write zines. Promote justice. Shop at thrift stores. Make art. Ride your bike. Write poetry.
Happy April Fool's Day, everyone! In place of a prank post I opted for sarcasm. Do you have any other "tips" for how to be cool?