Wednesday, March 31, 2010

How to be Cool

So, you’re sick of being uncool, you say? You’re sick of feeling like an odd [wo]man out in your boot cut jeans when everyone around you has embraced the skinnies (and the pantsless look)? You’re ashamed that you still watch TV and drive a car, when everyone else has abandoned those outdated activities? Then this post is for you! Read on for tips on how to make even your uncool self into the coolest person this side of the Mississippi (whichever side you may be on).


Clothing:


If you look cool, you feel cool. Exhibits A and B


As I already mentioned, you better not be wearing boot cut jeans. If you absolutely insist on still wearing pants, might I suggest jeggings or some sort of neon or animal-print leggings? This way your camel toe will not be hidden from the world, because lets be honest—a person without a camel toe is just about the opposite of cool.


TV:

If you're still in college, this can count toward your bucket list as well.


Get rid of yours. It’s as simple as that. Don’t watch TV at home, don’t watch it at your friends’ houses (you shouldn’t even be friends with people who own TVs. Shame on you!), and don’t you DARE watch it on the internet (I’m on to you…). Take every opportunity you can to tell people about how you don’t own a TV. Tell them how you thought you’d miss it, but surprisingly your life is just sooo much better without one. When uncool people start talking about what went down on Dancing with the Stars last night, give a condescending smile and say “I’ve never watched that show. I don’t even own a TV, actually.”


Facebook:


Shun the facebook users! Shun! Shunnnnn!


You can keep your account (collective sigh of relief time). But don’t go on it. Ever. Or go on it occasionally to check your own profile, but make sure to stay signed out of facebook chat so no one ever catches you in the act of signing on. Continuing on this vein, never log on in a public place. And for God’s sake, never leave a comment on someone’s wall, "like" someone’s picture, or update your status. And do I really have to tell you never to poke someone? Also don’t ever respond to any event invitations you get, unless it’s to say “maybe attending.” You don’t want people to get the idea that you care about their pathetic lives. If people ever mention facebook to you, ie “hey did you see that video I posted on your wall?” just tell them you haven’t been on in a while (even if you actually watched the vid repeatedly last night while trying to hold in your raucous laughter so that your roommate wouldn’t know that you occasionally laugh).


Displays of Emotion:

Keanu's so cool that he doesn't have to try. His natural expressionlessness is what makes him such a virtuoso actor.


I already alluded to this one—don’t laugh. Don’t smile, don’t chuckle, chortle, grin, giggle, or do any combination of the above. Also don’t frown or appear sad. Just sit expressionless when you’re having conversations (all of which should be serious and profound anyway) and make sure you never make light of any situation. Nothing is funny about life, people. Everything, and I mean everything, is sacred.


Music:

If this had hair, you WOULD NOT recognize it!


Has it ever been played on the radio? Has the artist or band ever been mentioned in a magazine or on TV (not that you would know since you DON’T OWN ONE)? Have any of your friends or acquaintances ever heard of this artist/band? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions DO NOT listen to this music. You must like only music for which you are the sole fan. You must discover bands. You must go to their shows at the local Knights of Columbus. You must follow them on Myspace. You must cruelly abandon them when they sign their first record deal. And in case it comes up in conversation, don’t forget that the only thing you know about Britney Spears is that she shaved her head once.


Food/Beverages:



If it doesn't taste like shit it's not for you.

Has it ever made contact with an animal? Don’t eat it. Does your beer cost more than $1/can? Don’t drink it. If it isn’t fair trade, yell at the person who is selling it and then get the eff outta there. Coffee should be drank black (cream and sugar are for supreme pansies), and red velvet cupcakes are now your dessert of choice. Preferably mini cupcakes. They’re cuter.


Hobbies:



Grow a mustache too.


Write zines. Promote justice. Shop at thrift stores. Make art. Ride your bike. Write poetry. Jam. Do not shop at malls. Do not participate in any sort of pop culture or mainstream media. And for God’s sake, don’t listen to Celine Dion, even if your roommate isn’t home.


Happy April Fool's Day, everyone! In place of a prank post I opted for sarcasm. Do you have any other "tips" for how to be cool?



17 comments:

  1. How to be cool??

    Hmmm...traditionally? Not eat & smoke like a fish, right?

    In my book:
    Be a girl. Have a BLOG. Love animals. Go bike riding. Make collages. Haa haa!! Laugh a lot. Wear a dress. Say how "un-cool" you are.

    P.S. -- I do all those things, but I'm not really that cool.
    [...and there it is.]
    :)

    Thanks for visiting my BLOG:
    [my2010ishere.blogspot.com]
    and leaving your awesome comment.

    Your BLOG is the cutest!

    ReplyDelete
  2. haha i love it! at first i was like "hmmm...i don't like skinny jeans..." and then once i got to the camel toe part, i knew you were being sarcastic! haha!

    don't forget that to be cool, you have to wear all the 80's getup you can find. i saw a girl in the store the other day wearing puffy neon hightop sneakers, too-tight leggings and an oversize neon shirt. she just needed a side ponytail and then she'd be REALLY cool! (btw, i don't think she was old enough to have lived in the 80's)

    ReplyDelete
  3. thanks for checking out my blog. hilarious post!

    xo,
    kate

    ReplyDelete
  4. Alas, it would appear that my attempts at cool-ness have been for naught as I don't meet any of those qualifications.

    However, here is a short to-do list if you want to be a cool middle schooler (which is the last time I remember being concerned with whether or not I was cool):
    Do poorly in school. Break the dress code or the uniform despite getting yelled at for it regularly. Mock authority figures such as teachers, preferably to their face. Be thoroughly involved in debates such as who is better, Backstreet Boys or *Nsync. Have birthday parties where you invite only people who do the same. Be sure to tease everyone who does not fit your definition of cool.

    Jeez, no wonder I hated middle school.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was fooled last Friday! I came to work late and was trying to pull my chair out but I can't! My colleagues tied my chair to the computer chords, mouse has been taped and my bottled water was glued! Darn, April Fool's day :))))

    And happy weekend hun...

    Oh and please check my giveaway on:
    Absolutely Fabulous

    See you around!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is an entertaining post :) Have a great weekend xx

    http://hopechella.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  7. hahah this is hilarious! a great post darling!

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. B
    A
    H
    !

    well i did a double take on almost all of these!

    i am old (39) and can't wear skinny jeans. not properly! and i LOVE tv. hahaha. i have no life. and i FUCKING HATE FACEBOOK. i was relieved to delete my account last year. TWITTER WILL BE THE NEXT TO GO. argh.

    and these are not april fool's comments!

    and i think i love your blog. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. My dear, please tell me if you're familiar with this...http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/

    If not, than catch up.

    Even though I'm not white, I still unironically like a number of the things on the list :P

    ReplyDelete
  10. i don't know how in the world i missed these funny's!!! so glad i found them. you crack me up! i definitely need to add some shiny, skin tight metallic pants to my wardrobe. i love your new header, btw!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi..I’m Barb from Fri. Follow. I am your newest follower. I hope you will get a chance to visit my blog @ santasgiftshoppe.blogspot.com
    & get inspired by something for your family/home. I hope you will follow me as well.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm sloshed right now. I googled hipster drinking and this is what showed up. I love life ♥

    ReplyDelete
  13. I really like your writing style and sense of humor. Definitely talented.

    That being said, and you having said you like to respond to comments, please respond to the following:

    The things that you describe in this article so wittily, shouldn't be attributed to posers trying so hard to be beyond cool, but rather to those with different values. I don't think it's really fair that you mock people that choose not to watch TV. I totally get why you would mock in the condescending way that you did, but you get to the extent that you step into the realm of those who actually choose not to watch tv because they can't handle it. There's so much product placement, suggestive advertising, RIDICULOUS commercials, political commentary, yadayada, and I need not list the obvious painful ways through which it socializes us to just be the way they/govt/w.e needs us to be and consume...consume...consume ...etc..
    That being said, I do watch tv, mostly documentaries, and i like vegging out in front of a good chick flick, but I find myself completely flabbergasted at what I am watching a lot of the time that I totally do want to throw it out the window and move to a farm. That goes for nearly all technology. That leads me to the next point you brought up: Facebook.
    Facebook has completely freaking changed the way people communicate and it drives me right up the wall. I don't like to keep up on people's lives and I don't like people being in on mine. It is only because I prefer to leave something to the imagination and element of surprise. I like to run into people and hear about their adventures instead of creep them in advance and suck the magic out of them with every time i tap the tab button. While I have no shortage of friends in the real world, I have kept it to an absolute minimum on Facebook and only have it so that I can communicate with my cousins. MY ENTIRE FAMILY lives in Europe. It is nearly impossible to connect with them otherwise. So again, I fall into a category which you mock, because I choose to rarely go on and not keep up with the world. And yes, I do think it is a better way to live... without TV.. and without Facebook. I don't think I am better though.. Which is what you make it sound like. I believe you put it as "too cool". Hmm, maybe there is some truth to that. I am not a hipster, I have normal clothes, and no money to buy new ones, so I stick with my fuzzy socks, outdated straight leg dark wash blue jeans and favorite cozy sweaters, but hell, if there is a good sale on at value village and a funky sweater with a funny picture of a moose on it, sue me if I want to have a sense of humor and update my wardrobe from suck to suck less. Oh, right, that is not allowed either. Oh and bikes too! Sorry, I'll stick to transit, because that is much healthier, smells dandy, everyone is sane and gee, it IS better for the environment. LOL, and what is wrong with appreciating poetry? I have definitely been to a few slams (the BEST feature yet has been from Illinois by the way), and while I don't like the crowd there as much, I see nothing wrong with liking that sort of thing. But I guess, in continuing the spirit of your sarcastic wit, poetry, like justice, art, and jamming, are just too cool?

    Sincerely,
    "Seriously" offended

    ReplyDelete
  14. I really like your writing style and sense of humor. Definitely talented.

    That being said, and you having said you like to respond to comments, please respond to the following:

    The things that you describe in this article so wittily, shouldn't be attributed to posers trying so hard to be beyond cool, but rather to those with different values. I don't think it's really fair that you mock people that choose not to watch TV. I totally get why you would mock in the condescending way that you did, but you get to the extent that you step into the realm of those who actually choose not to watch tv because they can't handle it. There's so much product placement, suggestive advertising, RIDICULOUS commercials, political commentary, yadayada, and I need not list the obvious painful ways through which it socializes us to just be the way they/govt/w.e needs us to be and consume...consume...consume ...etc..
    That being said, I do watch tv, mostly documentaries, and i like vegging out in front of a good chick flick, but I find myself completely flabbergasted at what I am watching a lot of the time that I totally do want to throw it out the window and move to a farm. That goes for nearly all technology. That leads me to the next point you brought up: Facebook.
    Facebook has completely freaking changed the way people communicate and it drives me right up the wall. I don't like to keep up on people's lives and I don't like people being in on mine. It is only because I prefer to leave something to the imagination and element of surprise. I like to run into people and hear about their adventures instead of creep them in advance and suck the magic out of them with every time i tap the tab button. While I have no shortage of friends in the real world, I have kept it to an absolute minimum on Facebook and only have it so that I can communicate with my cousins. MY ENTIRE FAMILY lives in Europe. It is nearly impossible to connect with them otherwise. So again, I fall into a category which you mock, because I choose to rarely go on and not keep up with the world. And yes, I do think it is a better way to live... without TV.. and without Facebook. I don't think I am better though.. Which is what you make it sound like. I believe you put it as "too cool". Hmm, maybe there is some truth to that. I am not a hipster, I have normal clothes, and no money to buy new ones, so I stick with my fuzzy socks, outdated straight leg dark wash blue jeans and favorite cozy sweaters, but hell, if there is a good sale on at value village and a funky sweater with a funny picture of a moose on it, sue me if I want to have a sense of humor and update my wardrobe from suck to suck less. Oh, right, that is not allowed either. Oh and bikes too! Sorry, I'll stick to transit, because that is much healthier, smells dandy, everyone is sane and gee, it IS better for the environment. LOL, and what is wrong with appreciating poetry? I have definitely been to a few slams (the BEST feature yet has been from Illinois by the way), and while I don't like the crowd there as much, I see nothing wrong with liking that sort of thing. But I guess, in continuing the spirit of your sarcastic wit, poetry, like justice, art, and jamming, are just too cool?

    Sincerely,
    "Seriously" offended

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Natasa,
    Thanks for you comment! I really didn't mean this post to be taken seriously, but I just reread it and it does sound kind of combative. To be honest, I was poking fun at a lot of my friends and myself as well. I just bought a pair of jeggings--see, I'm no better than anyone I made fun of in this post! I'm not saying it's bad to avoid watching TV or using facebook; I was just sick of people loudly advertising their disdain for those things, as if it made them cooler than the rest of us who still enjoy watching mindless television or wasting time on Facebook. I watch a lot of bad TV, and I agree with you that I also feel flabbergasted at what I see on TV a lot of the time, but I guess the point I was trying to make is that I'm not "cool" enough to stop watching, and I don't really care if watching Jersey Shore makes me uncool. As for facebook, I'm very sick of people saying that "kids these day" are ruining society, or X technology is the death of communication. If you look into it, you'll see that the same stuff has been said for generations--everyone's always against new technology because they fear how it will change society. I personally feel that Facebook has helped improve communication--I keep in touch with a lot of people from college throuh facebook, who I probably otherwise wouldn't. And Facebook is an invaluable marketing tool at work. (and to be honest, I was mostly making fun of my boyfriend in that section because he's been saying he's going to delete his account for about 3 years now.) And finally, I LOVE riding my bike, and I've attended a few poetry slams (and enjoyed them) too. So I was even poking fun of myself a little too--especially now that I own jeggings. And just to warn you, pretty much all of my posts can be interpreted as making fun of someone, but usually I'm included in the group. When I make fun of music, for instance, it's usually music I listen to anyway. I'm very sorry to have offended you, but I hope you'll still come back and read the blog again some time!

    ReplyDelete

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