Since I’m graduating soon (sniffle) I’ve been waxing nostalgic lately for all the fun times I had in college (or planned on having). Every so often I find myself in a situation that could only be described as “sooo college.” So for those of you who still have some college time left, I would advise you to collect as many of these college-y experiences as you can, because most aspects of your lifestyle just will not fly in the real world. Here is my college bucket list, aka the list of things to do before your college career kicks the bucket.
Throw something out the window
When else in your life can you defenestrate something without getting in trouble? I suppose you could be yelled at by your RA/landlord/friendly neighborhood parking cop whose car your projectile lands on, but the odds are much better in college that you won’t be reprimanded. When you live with your parents before college (and for the sad majority of us, after college), throwing something out the window is enough to get you grounded for at least a week, in addition to the “what-were-you-thinking-I’m-so-disappointed-in-you” lecture. After you move up in the world, you could be arrested or evicted from your neighborhood for such asininery. I suggest using a pumpkin for this, preferably one that is past its prime.
This is the first time in my life I’ve been able to use the word “defenestrate.” So happy.
Get something written into the dorm rules
Do something so crazy, so outlandish, so inherently wrong and yet specific enough to not technically be wrong, that your Office of Residence Life has to add in a special section in the rules handbook in your honor. Luckily for you, people tend to be against ex post facto laws (thank you 7th grade social studies!) so you can be grandfathered in while still being rebellious enough to leave your mark on your alma mater. Genius.
Join a sorority/fraternity OR make fun of people who do
Literally everyone I know either hates bros and sorostitutes or is one. This is one issue, like gun control, that you MUST take a stance on. No wishy washy flip-floppers here. If you do decide to join, you must only wear t-shirts and sweat pants with your letters on them. If you don’t join, you must only talk about how terrible sororities and fraternities are every time the subject of Greek life comes up—even when it’s your history professor lecturing on life in ancient
This is what happens to people who don’t join!
Pay for a solo cup at a party where you don’t know the host
I don’t know about you, but when I got to college I thought this is what parties were all like. Now that my friends and I all have our own apartments and are legally capable of purchasing our own beverages, I realize that parties can be a little less hardcore and sloppy, but while you’re still too unfortunate to host your own parties or befriend someone who can, go ahead and stumble down that off-campus street on Saturday night and let yourself into that craphole of a house, hand the doorguy your fiver, and find that keg. This is quintessential college, people.
Steal a solo cup at a party where solo cups are being sold
I have to admit, I’ve never done the previous rule. But I HAVE stolen a solo cup at a party. See, I’m not above going to a totes-off-the-hook party and drinking
One is the loneliest number…
Go to a hometown bar with high school friends on Black Wednesday
This is your chance to show all those tanned, blond, rich, hummer-driving asses from high school that you’re actually totally good-looking and cool now (a few years of college will do that to a person). If you’re lucky, the popular people might even be fat, unemployed, parents’-basement-dwellers now. Plus, this might be the first time you drink with your high school friends (assuming you didn’t drink before college, which I will assume).
Order a pizza after midnight
You should also greet the delivery guy in your fuzzy slippers. Share the pizza with your roommate or FWB if you want to avoid the freshman 15. Then again, maybe I should add that to the bucket list.
Use a cafeteria tray as a sled
I’ve never done this either, but I’ve heard tales of this mythical sport. It’s “so college” for several reasons: 1) it involves stealing/rule breaking. 2) it involves shenanigans with your friends, particularly an activity that was cool in grade school, not cool in high school, and cool again in college (sledding). 3) you are clever enough after attending a little bit of college to think of new and inventive uses for everyday items, something that may not have been feasible in high school.
This is college. In
Run through the dorm halls yelling something relevant
For instance, if there is a snow day, yell “SNOW DAY!” (then lube up those cafeteria trays). If it’s the superbowl and the Bears have just won, go ahead and yell “BEARS WIN!” If you give your S.O. the clap, shout “I GAVE HIM/HER THE CLAP!” Bonus points if every person on that floor tells you to STFU>FO.
You gave him what?
Take a nap in the library
College students need to sleep, and they also need to study. The perfect synthesis? Those comfy chairs in every campus library. I see people snoozing in those chairs every single day. Your task, however, is not a simple doze, but a premeditated slumber, complete with blanket and sleep mask.
Philosophize at a coffee shop
When I was in high school I thought much of college would be spent talking about the meaning of life over a steaming cup of joe. The only problem was that I didn’t like coffee. Luckily, my college experience awarded me the wherewithal to cultivate a caffeine addiction, and I can safely say that I’ve spent ample time talking about philosophy in a coffee shop (or at least complaining about my philosophy class and how stupid the entire discipline is).
hipster guy: “what is 'is'?” hipster girl: “why is anything anything?” me: “shut up.”
Get busy between the stacks or on an elevator
Love in an elevator. Livin’ it up when I’m going dooooowwwnn! Cliché, stereotypical, trite? Put it on the bucket list. Plus, I never spent as much time in a library or an elevator until I got to college. Might as well kill two birds with one stone, right?