Wednesday, March 31, 2010

How to be Cool

So, you’re sick of being uncool, you say? You’re sick of feeling like an odd [wo]man out in your boot cut jeans when everyone around you has embraced the skinnies (and the pantsless look)? You’re ashamed that you still watch TV and drive a car, when everyone else has abandoned those outdated activities? Then this post is for you! Read on for tips on how to make even your uncool self into the coolest person this side of the Mississippi (whichever side you may be on).


If you look cool, you feel cool. Exhibits A and B

As I already mentioned, you better not be wearing boot cut jeans. If you absolutely insist on still wearing pants, might I suggest jeggings or some sort of neon or animal-print leggings? This way your camel toe will not be hidden from the world, because lets be honest—a person without a camel toe is just about the opposite of cool.


If you're still in college, this can count toward your bucket list as well.

Get rid of yours. It’s as simple as that. Don’t watch TV at home, don’t watch it at your friends’ houses (you shouldn’t even be friends with people who own TVs. Shame on you!), and don’t you DARE watch it on the internet (I’m on to you…). Take every opportunity you can to tell people about how you don’t own a TV. Tell them how you thought you’d miss it, but surprisingly your life is just sooo much better without one. When uncool people start talking about what went down on Dancing with the Stars last night, give a condescending smile and say “I’ve never watched that show. I don’t even own a TV, actually.”


Shun the facebook users! Shun! Shunnnnn!

You can keep your account (collective sigh of relief time). But don’t go on it. Ever. Or go on it occasionally to check your own profile, but make sure to stay signed out of facebook chat so no one ever catches you in the act of signing on. Continuing on this vein, never log on in a public place. And for God’s sake, never leave a comment on someone’s wall, "like" someone’s picture, or update your status. And do I really have to tell you never to poke someone? Also don’t ever respond to any event invitations you get, unless it’s to say “maybe attending.” You don’t want people to get the idea that you care about their pathetic lives. If people ever mention facebook to you, ie “hey did you see that video I posted on your wall?” just tell them you haven’t been on in a while (even if you actually watched the vid repeatedly last night while trying to hold in your raucous laughter so that your roommate wouldn’t know that you occasionally laugh).

Displays of Emotion:

Keanu's so cool that he doesn't have to try. His natural expressionlessness is what makes him such a virtuoso actor.

I already alluded to this one—don’t laugh. Don’t smile, don’t chuckle, chortle, grin, giggle, or do any combination of the above. Also don’t frown or appear sad. Just sit expressionless when you’re having conversations (all of which should be serious and profound anyway) and make sure you never make light of any situation. Nothing is funny about life, people. Everything, and I mean everything, is sacred.


If this had hair, you WOULD NOT recognize it!

Has it ever been played on the radio? Has the artist or band ever been mentioned in a magazine or on TV (not that you would know since you DON’T OWN ONE)? Have any of your friends or acquaintances ever heard of this artist/band? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions DO NOT listen to this music. You must like only music for which you are the sole fan. You must discover bands. You must go to their shows at the local Knights of Columbus. You must follow them on Myspace. You must cruelly abandon them when they sign their first record deal. And in case it comes up in conversation, don’t forget that the only thing you know about Britney Spears is that she shaved her head once.


If it doesn't taste like shit it's not for you.

Has it ever made contact with an animal? Don’t eat it. Does your beer cost more than $1/can? Don’t drink it. If it isn’t fair trade, yell at the person who is selling it and then get the eff outta there. Coffee should be drank black (cream and sugar are for supreme pansies), and red velvet cupcakes are now your dessert of choice. Preferably mini cupcakes. They’re cuter.


Grow a mustache too.

Write zines. Promote justice. Shop at thrift stores. Make art. Ride your bike. Write poetry. Jam. Do not shop at malls. Do not participate in any sort of pop culture or mainstream media. And for God’s sake, don’t listen to Celine Dion, even if your roommate isn’t home.

Happy April Fool's Day, everyone! In place of a prank post I opted for sarcasm. Do you have any other "tips" for how to be cool?

Monday, March 29, 2010

Seattle Recap: The Tourist Traps

While we were in Seattle, I got into complete tourist mode. When I saw a stand with free brochures on it, you can bet I pounced on that bad boy like Paris Hilton on a Greek shipping heir. My collection of Seattle “literature” by the end of the trip was enough to make Al Gore pull at his disgusting beard in tree-hugging disgust at my paper wasting. I was also not shy about opening up the maps right in the middle of the sidewalk and looking around as if I were lost. We even used an umbrella at some point (because of course it rained), and apparently only tourists are novice enough to not have developed some sort of invisible shield against the rain.

Because of my live-like-you’ll-die-tomorrow-and-therefore-never-see-Seattle-again ‘tude, we ended up seeing quite a few famous Seattle touristy things.

[Edit: All Pictures were taken by Chris except for the guitar one. I really can't take credit for his talent any longer!]

Pike Place Market

I’m going to do an entire post on the market, because we literally went there 3 times in 4 days.

And this little guy was there every time.

The Space Needle

This was one of the few things I knew about Seattle before we de-planed. That, and the rain. We experienced both.

Chris was being cheeky and decided to take a picture of this naked little ding-a-ling holding up the needle. So clever.

Experience Music Project/Science Fiction Museum

Why are these two museums housed in one building? The world will literally never know.

We liked the music half, except the interactive part was closed. There was a cool guitar installation though, and a rock n’ roll photography exhibit, a Jimi Hendrix exhibit, and a guitar history exhibit.

Surprisingly, the Science Fiction part was way more interesting to me. It made me want to edit my NaNoWriMo novel and publish it so I could officially be the first sci-fi author to never have read a sci-fi book before.

There was a huge case full of Star Wars action figures. My little brother probably would have smashed the glass and absconded with the buggers.

The Gum Wall

If you’ve never heard of it, the name explains it all. It’s a wall covered in chewed gum.

I thought it would make good pictures, but it ended up being kind of disgusting.

That blue piece in the middle was mine! I accidentally touched the gum in the process—nast.

Underground Tour

This tour, given by a Ritalin deficient tour guide, took us down below street level for a look at the old Seattle sidewalks from the olden days (I don’t do dates) and some interesting Seattle history.

This is an original skylight, and we could see people’s feet walking overhead.

Then we walked over the skylight so the other tours could see our feet.

These were most of the tourist spots we stopped at on our trip; I’ve saved some stuff for subsequent posts, though. Did we miss anything that we should kick ourselves for?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Confession Sunday

It’s time for another round of confessions (cleverly titled Confessions Part II)! In the first installment I shared with you some of my deepest, darkest secrets. Now I’m going to share my even deeper, even darker secrets, because I just have to get these off my chest.

  • Once at a meeting everyone had to go around and say their most embarrassing moment. I just used one of my friends’ because I was too embarrassed to say mine.

Not as embarrassing as this, though.

  • I still have a blanky. In my bed.

This was taken as photographic evidence/blackmail by a friend/blackmailer.

  • When my roommate isn’t home I play the same song over and over again, but then I make fun of other weirdos who do this.

“Like my ipod’s stuck on replay, replay-ay-ay-ay”

  • I actually liked Kate Gosselin’s hair extensions. So sue me for thinking anything was an improvement over her inverse mullet.

Which is worse, a real live mullet, or fake normal-people hair?

Now it’s your turn: What are you guilty of?