Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Requisite Valentine's Day Post

Ahh, Valentine's, candy, cards, guilt, disappointment, self-loathing…

You hate Valentine’s Day? That is just so refreshing.

Wow, Valentine’s Day is so easy to hate. If you’re a dude or a single lady, V-Day is something to “get through.” If you’re a woman in a committed relationship, V-Day is something that can never live up to your expectations. If your relationship is new or complicated, awkwardness will ensue. Also, the holiday was created by Hallmark. Or maybe florists. Or Russel Stover. I can’t remember which. And those companies/industries all suck because they’re trying to make money, right?

You think we don’t recognize your ploys for world domination?

But…it’s also just a day. Just like Monday, or Tuesday, or Christmas. Oh wait, Christmas makes people commit suicide or at the very least drink their way through family parties. What is it with people feeling bad about themselves according to a calendar?

So, you want to avoid being a cliché emo douche this V-Day? Here’s what you should do:

Only one can survive.

If you’re single: spend the day as you normally would. Maybe wear a little pink (fun any day, really), eat a little chocolate (don’t have to tell me twice) and watch a Nicholas Sparks movie, if you really have nothing better to do. This should make you glad you’re not dating anyone, because you don’t have to worry about your soul mate meeting his/her untimely demise. Since you don’t have a soul mate. Or, you could just breathe a sigh of relief that it’s the first football-free Sunday in like months. Whoo hoo!

Men: too dumb to know what yogurt is, too dumb to read a calendar.

If you’re a single dude: literally spend the day as you normally would. You probably would anyway since you don’t even know when Valentine’s Day is.

Tell me again why men don’t like this holiday?

If you’re a ball-and-chained dude: buy her the flowers, the chocolate (SERIOUSLY BUY ME CHOCOLATE THIS YEAR), and the fancy dinner. You’ve never disliked going out to dinner before, so why start now? And don’t act like you don’t enjoy being showered with attention and seeing your foxxxy lady dressed to the nines.

This pic just needed to be represented somewhere.

If you’ve got your claws in some guy: don’t expect him to write anything nice in a card for you or even get you a card at all. Don’t expect chocolate or flowers, then be thankful if he delivers. Offer to foot the bill at dinner. Buy M&Ms printed with his face on them…Oh, sorry I thought I was writing for Cosmo for a second.

Omg tay tay! And every other famous person ever!

If your status is complicated: Go see “Valentine’s Day.” It looks likes the American version of “Love Actually,” based on my other favorite holiday (What! I really just like chocolate!) and as far as I can discern, no one dies in it.

If you follow my advice, you are sure to not only “get through” Valentine’s Day, but also enjoy it. I know I’ll enjoy it, as long as I get my chocolate.

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