Tuesday, February 16, 2010

10 Douchiest Douches of 2009

I thought I’d cater to my readership today and give you your two favorite things in one post. How do I know your two favorite things, you ask? Because they are everyone’s two favorite things: lists, and douchey guys. More specifically, lists of douchey guys. This is a list of the top ten douchiest douchebags of 2009 that Lauren and I came up with for our radio show, Desperate Roommates. I figured I’d repost it here in case you missed it because it’s just such an amazing list, practically dripping with douchebaggery. Without further ado, I present to you the Top Ten Douchiest Douches of 2009:



10. Jay Leno

Jay Leno is a douche because he took over Conan O’Brien’s time slot even though everyone likes Coco better and even though 5 years ago he said “Conan, it’s yours! See you in 5 years, buddy!” Plus, when asked to choose between Conan’s hair and Leno’s chin, 9 out of 10 people consider Leno’s chin to be douchier.*


His chin is actually a separate douchebag.

9. John Mayer

Let’s see…he started a Twitter war with Perez Hilton (another douche), got Kirstie Alley to develop a crush on him (not something to brag about, dude), used the N word then apologized for trying to be “too clever,” used the phrase “sexual napalm,” and recorded “Your Body is a Wonderland.” What a douche.


I didn’t even have to search for “John Mayer + Douche” to find this one.


8. David Letterman

He cheated on his wife with several women who work under him (pun intended), making him not only a cheating bastard but also somewhat of a sexual harasser. Then he gave a really awkward monologue where he apologized publicly for this to save a few (million) bucks. Also, all late night talk show hosts were kind of douchey this year.


I can’t blame the hot babes for being attracted to his…good personality.


7. Spencer Pratt

He has a flesh-colored beard. He “found Jesus,” which included a baptism performed by a Baldwin (and not the good one). He’s withholding sex from his wife because he’s afraid she’ll pierce the condom. He left “I’m a Celebrity…Get me Out of Here!” and then came back and then left again. Also, don’t forget the flesh-colored beard: weird and douchey.


From far away his face just looks kinda messed up. Hell, even close up it does.


6. Christian Bale

“Oh GOOD. FOR. YOUUUUU!” He yelled this among other things including some long strings of obscenities in a Welsh accent at some poor crew member on the set of his Terminator movie, all because his “concentration” was broken. According to the film's assistant director, “He is very intensely involved in his character." As if rehearsing for the Terminator is so artistically complex.


His eyes just seem to say “Hey, baby…I’m a douchebag.”


5. Kanye West

He didn’t let Taylor finish. And he said he would! He also wears shutter shades. His Wikipedia page has an entire section titled “controversies,” many of which stem from him voicing his concern about not winning awards he (or BeyoncĂ©, or whomever) clearly deserved. He thinks George Bush doesn’t care about black people, when he really just doesn’t care about Kanye West. And neither should you, because he’s a douche.


What’s the first word that comes to mind when you see this picture? I’ll give you a clue: it’s “douche.”


4. Michael Lohan

He has proposed several reality shows about his life, which mostly consists of trying to win back his daughter’s respect and hanging out with Jon Gosselin. He sired an illegitimate child with his mistress and took a Maury-style paternity test.


Not douchey enough? Throw on a mesh shirt


3. Chris Brown

He beat up his girlfriend and had the audacity to continue being famous. Not exactly douchey, just a terrible, terrible person. And he makes bad music.


He beat up this dog after the photoshoot too.


2. Tiger Woods

He cheated on his (totally hot) wife with more than a dozen other choice women, including a “Tool Academycastoff and a Waffle House waitress. Classy. And douchey.


There are no words.


1. Jon Gosselin

Three words: Ed Hardy tees. Plus he has hair plugs, a permanent sunburn, a belly pooch that he likes to scratch, a budding friendship with Michael Lohan, 8 kids to exploit, and yet again, a history of cheating on his wife. The fact that no one expected him to be douchey (they were blinded by his wife’s female douchery) makes his douchiness seem that much worse.


See? I wasn’t lying about any of it!


Lifetime Achievement Award for Douchebaggery: Charlie Sheen

He has a lifetime history of abusing drugs and his wives, as well as fathering children with various women and “accidentally” shooting and/or knifing said women. He has a show called “Two and a Half Men” which is pretty stupid, and he once had a mĂ©nage a cinq wherein all parties left satisfied, according to him (via Wikipedia, 2 years ago. But still, I wouldn’t put it past him).


He doesn’t even have the decency to be good looking.


*note: this claim may or may not have been extrapolated from completely irrelevant data


Did we inadvertently exclude any douchebags?

9 comments:

  1. excellent post...how much time do you spend on this stuff?

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  2. Can guys only be douches? What about a she-list?

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  3. You forgot to mention Jon's earring and Bluetooth! And the fact that he cheated on his wife with her plastic surgeon's 23 year old daughter! Also, his friendship w/ Douche Lohan has ended bc he was too douchey even for him. OH SNAP.

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  4. Matt: good point, I will have to come up with a female douche list!
    Anonymous 1: I spend way more time than I should on this thing. This entry took me a few hours somehow.
    Anonymous 2: How could I have fogotten the bluetooth?? I deserve to be ridiculed for this.

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  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. That $34,000/year for college is really paying off. Nice list of DBs.

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  7. HAHAHA! Thank you SO much for directing me to this list lol! Dude... Christian Bale.. I could kick his ass to the curb. I can't STAND that guy. Especially since in his - in the vernacular of his realm - "monologue" he's spouting off like someone contaminated the operating room while he was doing brain surgery.. Rather than doing their JOB while he was playing make-believe in front of a camera. McDouche for sure.

    Great list hahaha

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